OPP: You down with it?
On January 21, 2021, I presented the topic "The (Anti) Won Twoo Way" for Dating Kinky's monthly show, the Nonmonogamunch. The original presentation was free to all who joined us live, and was recorded for Dating Kinky's PLUS members to access through the Dating Kinky Library (over 400 videos and 550 hours of content!).
Here is a clip from that 90-minute show, where I talk about OPP, and what it means in nonmonogamy.
https://youtu.be/5oyWmeCYyqs
I wanted to talk about my (Anti) Won Twoo Way take on nonmonogamy because there are a lot of poly/nonmono groups out there who share strong opinions about what is and is not "ethical," and while I sometimes agree, I often find that they tend to take an extreme position, and everyone sort of gathers to one side or another, with no room left in the middle for nuance.
Not unlike, well, pretty much every group of humans, ever, actually.
Group think is definitely an issue, and a danger.
And I am pretty fanatically against anyone telling anyone else they can't live how they want, or that it's unethical to do so.
Although I will be happy to say that certain behaviors are unethical, and to explain why.
Which is probably deeper thinking than most people think they need to do just to have a relationship.
But that's the problem, right?
That "relationship" is not a class period in Junior High, and most people don't think it's something you learn, just something you go forward with.
And then, they fudge it all up.
So, groups take what seem like the most egregious stumbling blocks, and highlight them, and show they are often (nearly always, in their experience) bad, and that becomes cannon, passed on by all those in the group, or they are piled upon.
But I happily live an OPP life with my partner.
Or, rather he lives an OPP life with me.
And there are thousands of unequal or restricted couples like us out there, and we are not living unethically.
So, what's the difference?
Not just consent, because people can absolutely consent to unethical arrangements that harm them.
But boundaries, communication, and personal autonomy combined with consent.
BOTH people in any relationship must have good boundaries, the ability and opportunity to communicate those, and the personal autonomy to be able to make changes in their relationship (and their entire life) should an arrangement being to fail them.
And THAT, right there, is so profound that I know I'm going to have to write more on it.
But for now, I'd like to open the discussion to you.
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What do you think?
In kink, we do a lot of things that on the surface could be considered unethical, or abusive. And yet, we know better.
Besides consent, what do YOU think is required for what we do to be ethical to those we do it with?
Are boundaries, communication, and autonomy enough? Or have I missed something/gotten it wrong?
