What does consent mean in relationships?
In September of 2020, Meg-John Barker presented the topic Consensual Relationships for Dating Kinky's weekend event, 'More Than Yes or No,' and I was the host/interviewer. The original presentation was free to all who joined us live, and was recorded for Dating Kinky's PLUS members to access through the Dating Kinky Library (over 400 videos and 550 hours of content!).
Here is a clip from that hour-long show, where Meg-John and I discuss the nuances of consent in relationships.
https://youtu.be/5oYOxXIglHM
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Oof. As I was writing this up, someone was commenting on my FRIES consent post on FetLife, and said:
> With a person you really like and who you really find sexually attractive, and who really likes you and who really finds you sexually attractive, you don't need all these hard, negotiated conditions and boundaries set beforehand in all their details, because you trust that during the process of engaging your mutual attraction, your love, your sympathy, your empathy, your attention in the here and now will lead you both to a happy experience.
May I go bang my head into a wall, now?
Because this shows me exactly why consent education is SO needed for all parts of life, and that it needs to be taught from a MUCH younger age than most people are getting it right now.
I'd like to point out that the U.S. Department of Justice reports that: 73% of sexual assaults are perpetrated by a non-stranger, people KNOWN to the victim. Of these, 45.4% of female rape victims and 29% of male rape victims were raped by an intimate partner.
Intimate partner.
Someone who they really liked and who probably really liked them back (at least at one point).
Not such happy experiences.
And no, I don't believe that consent education would eradicate all of these cases. I'm not naive. I do, however, believe that it would reduce those numbers, and that's always a good thing.
But more, I believe a better comprehensive understanding of consent would help in ways not immediately obvious:
1. Understanding consent in more nuanced ways would lead to better laws.
2. Understanding consent and how it works in relationships beyond just yes-or-no-to-sex would lead to people in relationships being able to advocate for themselves more effectively, and to spot problematic behaviors and remove themselves before sexual assault might happen.
Seeing consent modeled in many different situations, not JUST sex (or kink), but in daily interactions and conversations could make a huge difference in how people relate to each other and in fact, build their relationships from the ground up.
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What are your thoughts?
What does the term 'consensual relationship' mean to you? What steps do you take to make sure your relationships are consensual for you, if any? What steps do you take to make sure your relationships are consensual for the other person, if any?
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You can learn more about Meg-John Barker here: https://www.rewriting-the-rules.com
